Think I'm feeling homesick for the first time this trip. Not that I wasn't feeling homesick before I came over. I really didn't want to leave Seattle the day I had to get on the plane. But I did because Mom told me that I could come home anytime I wanted. I believed her, and still do...I just don't know right now.
I watched a few episodes of Angel, and I think that's what did it to me. As I watched the episodes that got us hooked into the show, the memories of Mom and me sitting around the TV, watching it together just really hit. I really wanted to go home and watch it with her again with all the trimmings: TNT commercial breaks, Solo and/or Neesha trying to get our respective attentions, eating steak and various other foods, and so on. In other words, home. But I don't know if I'll ever have that again, and that's the thought that hit me. Hit so hard it made me cry. Hell, it's making me cry right now. I just want a home again...but I don't know where or when I'll ever get that, even when I come back from China. Plus, it doesn't help that I'm not sure whether some of the people from SU like me or not. Probably doesn't matter, but dangit if I'm not self-conscious.
In summary, I really want to come home, but I'm not sure where "home" is anymore. It's not the same place it was when I was growing up because I've basically grown up. So the real question is, then, what do I have to do to make my own home? Who do I fill my life with? My roommates are wonderful, for sure, but eventually they are going to want a place of their own, and then what? Do I strike out on my own? Try to find someone else, like another roommate, or perhaps a significant other?
I'm not ready to answer these questions. Not yet. Not here.
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From September 3rd, 2008 to December 18th, 2008, I will be venturing off to Suzhou, China in search for better language skills and various other intangibles. This blog is here to help my friends and family keep track of my many exploits.
3 comments:
That, my friend, is a question that we all have to deal with. Until you figure it out, we're here for you.
....You know, I don't know if you want to hear this right now when you're debating to come home or not, but I did have a dream that you did come home last night.
A friend once told me that nothing is worth sticking to if it's making you truly miserable. You just need to do a little soul searching.
Home, it really is something we all are looking for isn't it? Somewhere we belong where we want to be? Where we are loved, cherished, safe, and wanted. Its hard to find... but eventually we will find it, because its always there.
We often look at home as a place, I think its a feeling. That feeling after a long day at work and coming home to find peace. A simple pensive feeling being able to relax feeling secure and having someone who cares. That is being home.
I will support you always in whatever you decide. There is no wrong answer. Only a different door.
I started our story again changed my bit, rewrote it. Did some thinking.
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