A month left

Well, a little more than a month, but really, I've been here for over three so far. The last one can feel a little less than the rest, don't you think?

As my time draws to a close, I keep thinking some of the same thoughts, and since this blog was created for the sole purpose of sharing my thoughts with the people I care for, I suppose it might be in good form to do divulge said thoughts in a tidy manner. Can't promise it'll stay tidy, though; have you ever seen my room? Can't keep it clean for more than an hour...see, I'm already veering off!

A major thing I keep thinking about is, "Was this trip worth it? Am I doing everything I wanted to do when I first set out?" To be honest, the answer feels like a big "no". When I signed up to go to China last year, part of the reason I did so was because I was feeling trapped, like I needed to change my scenery so significantly that I would "wake up" and see the world around me in a new way. I sure as heck changed the scenery, but I haven't "woken up" as I felt I would. Does this mean I was never asleep, or am I still snoozing away in life? Can't tell you. In the long run, it doesn't really matter anyway. In either case, I'm still stuck in the same boat that I was before. There was a huge part of me that didn't want to go to school last Spring quarter, and I get the feeling that'll happen again. I don't know whether I'm just ready to enter the working world or something, but school just doesn't hold the same appeal that it once did for me. I've lost some of my desire to learn, and I don't know how to get it back. Maybe some real time off; I haven't had that for awhile now. My time in China was supposed to serve as that as well, but all I've really done here is go to school, try to speak the language, and travel the city I'm living in. Sounds like American college to me. I do think one thing that'll make a big difference in this last month is I'm going to travel, regardless of whether I'll have the time in class or not. I will be so disappointed with myself if I don't go to Beijing at least once, so I'm doing it. It'll be cold as heck, but it's better than nothing. Really, I like China, but I wish I wasn't here as a student. I want to come back as a tourist one day, even if the time I'm here is significantly shorter. Heck, a shorter time might even be better.

I just think the timing of this trip was all wrong. If I had left when I first signed up, and I mean right after I signed up, within the next couple of months, I feel like this trip would have done so much more for me. I would have been in that "ready to change" state of mind and accepted everything that happened to me, good or bad, as a catalyst for that change. After working all summer, though, on a play and two jobs, which, despite my constant griping of having no free time, really were some of the best times I've had in my life, plus finally starting to feel at home in my apartment with Coran and Clair, uprooting my life for the sake of a four month trip and the rest of the consequences when I return home just doesn't make the trip seem worth it in the long run. I was...happy, I think. It's hard for me to say whether that really is how I feel, considering I don't know very many points in my life that I've been really happy. I'm not trying to vie for sympathy, I'm being genuine here. I deal with some constant parts of my personality that make life, even the good points, a little less happy, such as my constant comparison to people around me and their accomplishments versus my lack of accomplishments, my unsatisfactory love life, my addictions to certain things such as TV, video games, and movies, and other areas I can't think of right now. They all tie into me worrying whether I'm doing what I should be doing at the moment. Perhaps that's what I'm doing now as well, but, again, I can't help but think that if only I had left a couple months earlier before settling down or not gone at all, I'd be feeling better now. Don't get me wrong; I don't think this trip is a waste. I think there are many good things I can glean from it. I just...don't know what they are yet. Some of this might come as a shock to some people because I think I appear as a generally happy soul, but...ah, I don't know. Lots of things I don't know. Hopefully I'll get them figured out at some point.

Alright, I've bared my soul enough for one day. Anymore and you might start thinking I'm a random flasher on a soccer field. So, go on now; 'git!

再见，
杜楷