Wow...I really didn't intend to go this long without updating

But it's been kind of crazy around here recently. Don't know why exactly, beyond that midterms are upon us, but I just haven't had as much time to get on the internet and whatnot. Some thoughts have emerged though...one of which is that my computer screen seems to be flickering before my very eyes. How annoying. It already isn't as bright as it once was. Does anyone know if I can replace the backlight of a computer, or am I basically screwed if it ever decides to completely go out?

Okay, onto deeper thoughts now. Thanks, first of all, to all the people who have emailed me and whatnot since my last few blogs. It has meant a lot to keep in contact with you, and even though I'm sometimes bad myself (Keith, I promise, as soon as I'm done with this blog, I will email you back!), the extra effort lets me know that I'm cared for. Not that I have to have confirmation of that all the time, but every once in awhile is nice. In one of those emails, it was brought to my attention that I haven't really discussed friendships on here. I did not realize that, so I will talk about it a little bit.

To be honest, it's hard to develop friendships with strictly Chinese people here. I don't go to class with them (our classes are almost entirely international students, so everything from Korean to Japanese to German to Swedish to Mexican to Australian to Russian and so on), and if you know me *at all*, you know that I'm not the most socially outgoing person, especially when I'm uncomfortable (and what's more uncomfortable than not being able to understand what people are saying?). But I have made some through other people, which is nice. It's also nice to make friends with the other international students since, for the most part, the only common language that we speak is Chinese, so we are forced to speak that to each other. It doesn't always work as we don't all know the same vocabulary, but more often than not, we understand each other.

Also! The same person asked me about food. Again, if you know me, I'm a picky eater. I always have been. I don't always want to be, but my thoughts on food are, "Why buy something that you don't know if you are going to like or not? If you don't like it and nobody else wants it, it's a waste of resources and a waste of money." So, naturally, I came to China a bit apprehensive about the food situation. But you know what? I'm not as picky of an eater anymore. Sure, I still won't eat fish (ask me if you wanna know the story behind that), but I am far more willing to eat other dishes now. Still not a big fan of soups and other hot liquids, though; I really can't figure that one out, but every time I get a soup, I barely touch it. Ah well, at least other areas are far better now. I still fall into the habit of eating things I like, but at least they are now *different* things. So fear not, people of America! I will return, and I will still eat pizza like a Ninja Turtle and Doritos like a...person who really likes Doritos. But I will also want to go out for odd cuisine more often than in the past.

For a slightly more somber tone, I have been thinking about something. As in nearly every area of the world, there are beggars on the streets here in China and specifically where I am in Suzhou. All my life, I've had to have a somewhat indifferent attitude toward people asking me for money because either a) I didn't have enough money myself, so if I give it away, then I could be in trouble or b) I question their motives behind asking for money and their true intent in what they will use it for. A compromise I've made with myself is if I have leftovers from a restaurant and I see a homeless person, I will offer them my leftovers. If they take it, great; if not, then I know they want money to use for things other than food, like drugs or alcohol. I have no problem giving money to buskers because they are entertaining me and if I like it, why shouldn't I give them some money? Heck, I've bought CDs from buskers before! They aren't necessarily homeless, but I hope you understand the distinction that I'm making.

The other day, though, I was walking to a local street food vendor area around my university, and I came across a man begging for money. He had his little silver dish out filled with some small Chinese coins. The thing about this particular beggar, though, and indeed, quite a few of the beggars in China, was how he was begging. He was prostrate on the ground, and his head was completely down to the street. Instantly, I felt so bad for him. In China, there could be no worse position for him to be in. That was a bowing position that was normally reserved for emperors and people of high society, and here he was, giving it to anyone walking by. He had lost all of his honor, in other words; everyone was better than him. My heart went out to this man, but my natural reaction of "don't give him money" also emerged. How horrible is that? All this man was asking for was a few Chinese dollars, which are 1/6th of a normal U.S. dollar, and I thought about not giving him anything? I can't give every person money; I know that. But I could certainly spare a few yuan for this man here. And after I bought some food and had more smaller coins (all I had passing him the first time was 100 yuan bills, and I'm not willing to give that to anyone, thank you very much), I gave him around 5 yuan.

Why do we make ourselves like this? Not the beggars; I think we have a good idea of what causes that for the most part (poor economy, bad life choices, and so on). But why do we, the ones who have the money, make ourselves uncaring to those who need our help? Some of us don't, but the majority of us build those defense mechanisms like my own. Why? Is it survival of the fittest? Is it selfishness? Some combination between the two? Something entirely different? I don't know; I haven't figured it out. I don't even know if, when I return to the US, I'll change how I view the homeless there and do more to make their lives better. I still believe that for the majority of the time, people can make their own lives better and shouldn't need the help of other people. But there are exceptions to every case, and this is no different. Will I be willing to split the difference, then, and try to make good choices depending on the situation? I have no idea.

This is the end of my thoughts for now.

再见，
杜楷